it was hot, yesterday, and i was walking through the suburbs, walking through a golf course. anyway, it was hot and i was moving my arms from my elbows, feeling blood in the tips of my fingers, feeling blood from the tips of my fingers rushing away, rushing towards the rest of me. over and over.

i am tired, in that way where you feel almost dead, in that way where if i had things i had to do i could keep going for hours, but i don't so i won't. so i lay here. i want to find something completely consuming. i want to be eaten up and disappear. eaten by school or by a life. disappear into the mass of humanity or into some great cause.

we think about standing out, about being visable and huge. about being a writer, and being excellent for that. that was what i was raised to admire, or what we are all raised to admire. but all the other people too, all the little bits that are pieces.

i don't want to care about the way the blood feels in my hands. i don't want to think about how much i am worrying and then proceed to worry about that. i don't want to have a body or a self. does being self-less help? or is being self-less in that way end up being selfish? will there ever be enough stimulus to allow me to ignore the way the blood feels in my hands? should i be able to ignore the way the blood feels in my hands and the way thoughts feel in my chest or should i somehow be able to feel them and be okay with them?