i am the bridge builder who never forgets that you said we would talk

it's all thundery. i was in the bath and it was flash!boom! and so i jumped up and grabbed a towel.

this is totally beside the point, that sentence, it is written in a happy voice and i am not quite in a happy mood. i'm in a moody mood. i've been in a moody mood. i'd like to blame it on school being about to start but it's not really that.

i'm really sleepy. i haven't been sleeping. going to bed late and then waking up early. maybe i need curtains, may i need to chill out.

i get so scared. where i can see the future lined up in front of me. each moment and choice slipping into the next. there can't possibly be free will. what happens in my brain determines how i am typing before i am totally aware. i read that somewhere. that brain scans show choices are made before we know that we've made them. and so, if we still believe we are choosing, once our choice is made, then are we deciding at all? did we just decide before? does it even work like that?

i'm waiting for a phone call, i'll probably end up calling first. saying "goodnight" for forty five minutes. maybe two hours. that's what always happens. i'm the bridge builder who never forgets that you said we would talk.

it's a pattern of behavior more than a choice. like, i get all stuck. stuck in the mood, or stuck on the idea, and then, even if i want to i can't get out. sometimes i might think, "if you don't call, i wouldn't call first..." but then i will, i will always call first.

that seems beside the point. there is thunder and lighting, and so i lay in my bed and hang on to the computer. there is school tomorrow and so i think softly about needing to choose cloths, i think softly about how it will be alright.