perhaps i am wasting my summer in the very best way. perhaps i am falling in love either with you or with how open the sky is. perhaps when i start to cry it has to do with being in a body, with not being in the wind. like being with you in bodies is too much work. spirits don't get driven home by their dads. spirits don't talk about brown and williams. spirits live in the moment when the radio is loud in the sun, when there is jumping and taking your sister's nail polish. spirits paint each others' nail under the big open sky. spirits don't have heads to get stuck inside of. spirits are spiritual without god, they laugh at bad jokes and never get tired or hungry or cranky.

perhaps i should learn to love the body, to learn to love the way my mind goes in cirles until it reaches the end. the way that i am able to work on a paper or a project or study for hours and hours. to get so hooked onto that i don't notice my back hurting or how bored i am. maybe i should love that my spirit is trapped inside of a body that i have control over, that nobody can take a box and capture my spirit. put it up for sale, or...

if i do end up taking pills (am i being to up front here? or is that part of the charm?) will i be the same person? will it be a hole in my head, or a damp on my spirit? will my blog posts be as good, or my studying so constructive? but really does that matter? really do i care? will i be happier under the sun, laying there, not wishing to escape the body, wishing to escape my head going in circles, over and over like i'm going crazy, like i'm already crazy?