bus ride ride

this is a blog entrie written in a word document, which seems almost wrong. can i even do it? can i even make the tone sound right? is it a mindset?

i am on the bus, i have been on the bus too long, like, i almost became convinced that i was going to the wrong place, like i'm not going where i am suppose to be going, like who am i without someone to confirm who i think i am? where am i going without you reminding me what is important, without you caring, or without us caring together.

yesterday i was on a roof, and i started thinking about jumping, about how if i jumped i would die, about how it would only be there in a moment, how if i was alone that moment might come quickly, too quickly, and then i employed the life saving technique.

remembering before it happens, something really great, a moment where the light is bright and perfect, a moment where i am happy to be alive. so that even when...

it wasn't even sadness, it was more like appathy, like a tiredness, a not wanting to have to ride the bus, a not wanting to keep trying, a "life has been good let's quit while we are ahead" sort of thing.

i don't want to apply for college.

visiting schools with my dad was the most exhasting thing i have ever done. maybe a hyperbole, but still, do you see what i'm saying? i haven't even said anything yet, what i meant was that i was imagining a million lifes for myself, what conversations would i have in this dorm room or a dorm room that looked like this? what realizations would this campus lead me to making? is it even possible to tell or is it all based on some serinipity?

i'm coughing now. i feel like shit now. like sweaty and like i should have brushed my teeth and my hair and like i shouldn't have taken the bus. like maybe i should go to sleep, like i'm taking this blog entry wildly off course, like i'm proud of myself for not freaking out right now even though i haven't the slightest idea of how i'll get home, how i'll find my way from bus station to bus station to bus stop to house to shower and bed. how i have some sort of faith now on the bus, perhaps induced by sleepyness, by shere inability to worry anymore. i would love to take a shower.