i freaked out at math tonight. worse than before, with tears, so that everyone noticed, not really, i cried in the bathroom, but people noticed.

i don't want to work anymore, i just want to lay in bed, to go outside and walk around and write poetry and eat in the rain. i want to be more alive, i want to dance in the dark, i want to write on the walls and jump into dumpsters.

whatever. when i feel so sad, what is there to do? the only thing to do is to help other people. that seems to be the thing that helps, getting out of my own head, stop being so self centered and greedy crying in the bathroom, wasting my scholarship.