Wow! Look here! I started a blog! Not as though me starting a blog is amazing. All across the internet there are blogs I've abandoned; started on a whim and then forgotten about. I hope that this blog, isn't like the rest of those blogs. I hope it won't turn into even another abandon blog; sitting on a server somewhere using up electricity, and hogging a clever url.

I do have reason to think this will be different.

This summer I studied creative writing at CCA, and now, I feel like a writer. Everything is the same, only now everything makes sense.

"I'm neurotic, because I'm a writer. I'm bad at being social, because I'm a writer. I over thing everything, because I'm a writer. I feel constantly conflicted and confused, because I am a writer." Having a reason, even a dumb reason, makes it okay.

This doesn't mean that I am for definitely sure going to be a writer when I grow up. Which is something that I worry about a lot: growing up.

What does being a grown up even mean?

I realize that I'll never cross a line, where suddenly everything is clear and makes sense and is beautiful and easy and perfect. I understand, or I think I understand, that I'll always be wallowing around in this weird muddy river. Thinking only about the next step because the water is pushing me and I don't want to fall, but I will fall, because we all fall. I'll die, and the whole thing will be over.

Which could lead us into the God issue. Which is in itself interesting, and I have a lot to say about it, but I am suppose to have fun. I am suppose to break loose. Be crazy. Have fun. Stop being so god danm serious all the time. Worrying about worrying. Fuck it.