"Hot and dangerous
If you’re one of us, then roll with us
‘Cause we make the hipsters fall in love
And we’ve got hot-pants on enough
And yes of course because we’re running this town just like a club
And no, you don’t wanna mess with us
Got Jesus on my necklace

I’ve got that glitter on my eyes
Stockings ripped all up the side
Looking sick and sexy-fied
So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)

CHORUS:
Tonight we’re going hard
Just like the world is ours
We’re tearin’ it apart
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!

We’re dancing like we’re dumb
Our bodies go numb
We’ll be forever young
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!"

it's true that i am writing a story inspired by ke$ha and thus neglecting this blog.

i can't even think of what to write about. my brain is too full up with pointless thoughts that need to be thought, and with love that is too sweet to be written down, to be posted on the internet. so what is left, if there is no talking about the possible interviews, the deadlines, the choices, and no over sharing, not today, anyway.

what is left is the bike ride, the glory of the trees, my mother's constant annoyance at me, the song they played today at school, over the constant music system that sounded really good, the boredom or excitement of this year.

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw

me and you and time

i said that i want this year to be over. actually, i want this year to last forever. for sitting in the sunny hallway listening to jazz to last forever. i want that view of the city forever.

maybe i'm not being clear enough. the issue is that there is too much to do, that i feel torn by having to choose between homework and friends and clubs and writing and reading and biking and family and church and my own sanity is at stake here. won't you listen to me? earth slow down. give me time to make that essay as perfect as a million years could make it. a stone rounded by water and sand and sun.

not really, there will be new views, new sunny hallways, new days full of love and work and magic.

i saw the bottle of wine on the table and wanted to drink it, read the problem three times through and couldn’t understand, wonder if i’ll ever be able to know, if i will be able to create the life that i want when i’m not sure what that means. i didn’t like all the drinking, camping, i would have been scared that the forest would burn down if it hadn’t been raining so hard. i like the sound of the rain, reminds me of where ever home is, being in my grandparents house with the wood stove and tv on. that doesn’t feel like home anymore. or i haven’t been there forever. that’s part of what makes me sad the not knowing where home is, the thinking that you are my home and that your family is my family before realizing that that is probably not true, that we will probably not get married. think that home should be forever, that something should be forever, and then realizing that there is nothing forever except my life will be my forever, that the only thing i will be able to compare myself to is myself, but who am i, and what am i good for, and how does one know one’s self without a context?

i freaked out at math tonight. worse than before, with tears, so that everyone noticed, not really, i cried in the bathroom, but people noticed.

i don't want to work anymore, i just want to lay in bed, to go outside and walk around and write poetry and eat in the rain. i want to be more alive, i want to dance in the dark, i want to write on the walls and jump into dumpsters.

whatever. when i feel so sad, what is there to do? the only thing to do is to help other people. that seems to be the thing that helps, getting out of my own head, stop being so self centered and greedy crying in the bathroom, wasting my scholarship.