of who i want to be in theory and who i want to be in actuality. the discrepancy is unpleasant but i feel like the word unpleasant is too contained to match of the feeling of being ripped between two worlds or maybe more.
maybe it could have worked if we could live in one place, if we could lay in bed until we were ready to get up and didn't spend our time thinking about the places we ought to go but the places we want to go.
of what it is in theory to be young and what it means to live with the years yet to come weighing down instead of standing on the years already lived proud or ashamed i'm not sure that it matters. the expectation is crushing, carrying something heavy or something light, walking through the night.
sometimes i am sure of something. some moment where i am sure or not so sure that everything is not the same. when i feel like i know things in my gut instead of in my head i feel like my gut is falling out. like the gut is too heavy for the body and is dragging on the ground, the redness of my imagined gut getting dirty, like an open wound or something.
like to know is to be open to the world, to be ready to get dirty and infected, to be ready to die or to be ready to live. mumbling now.
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