i won a bunch of awards at the senior dinner formalities tonight--stood up and was clapped at--felt elated before sinking back down. got home and cried because my surrogate aunts are all the way across the country and have no idea of how hard i've been working.
it's all a mess, all this feeling, about all the people who i miss loving. the family, the boys, the friends i never made.
and everything is about to change. tonight, i told fran that my parents are moving, and he got all sad, which seemed strange, since, he and i are not that close. the disappearance of people from your daily live can feel strangely tragic if you think about it too much.
after a moment he got all giddy--realizing that he and are forever bonded by being class leaders, bonded by planning the reunions, bonded by bringing us all back to this moment over and over again.
and the act of returning to the past, of remembering, of taking photos, and making the calls to far away friends, and trying, to bring everything that has happened with us into the future, what is all the remembering for?
my dad is packing, putting things into boxes, but what do you take? what old stretched out socks that you'll never wear again come along? what pieces of paper with your name written on it do i take, and which do i recycle?
usually i try to answer my own questions, but tonight there are only questions and quiet heartbreak.
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