we went to the land this weekend. all of us, piled into cars with parents and food. out of the city and into the green. i don't know exactly the details, which ones will do justice. how to say lighting and love: sleeping in a shed together. the sound of kissing all night so i made up songs on the ukulele to drown out the noise of bare feet coming out of mud. or something.

tonight and everything about ever

i won a bunch of awards at the senior dinner formalities tonight--stood up and was clapped at--felt elated before sinking back down. got home and cried because my surrogate aunts are all the way across the country and have no idea of how hard i've been working.

it's all a mess, all this feeling, about all the people who i miss loving. the family, the boys, the friends i never made.

and everything is about to change. tonight, i told fran that my parents are moving, and he got all sad, which seemed strange, since, he and i are not that close. the disappearance of people from your daily live can feel strangely tragic if you think about it too much.

after a moment he got all giddy--realizing that he and are forever bonded by being class leaders, bonded by planning the reunions, bonded by bringing us all back to this moment over and over again.

and the act of returning to the past, of remembering, of taking photos, and making the calls to far away friends, and trying, to bring everything that has happened with us into the future, what is all the remembering for?

my dad is packing, putting things into boxes, but what do you take? what old stretched out socks that you'll never wear again come along? what pieces of paper with your name written on it do i take, and which do i recycle?

usually i try to answer my own questions, but tonight there are only questions and quiet heartbreak.

suffice it to say...

i know that i abandoned this blog for a very long time, but suffice it to say that it was a bad winter/early spring and no amount of lyricism could have made this blog anything other than my complaining. but suffice it to say that i am trying to write a lot now, and suffice it to say that i will be updating this blog with astounding frequency, or at least with frequency, in the coming weeks and months.

also: remember the life plans that i used to do on this blog like a million years ago? well now my life, or at least the next four years, or at least the next year is planned out: i'm going to a small very liberal liberal arts school in the hudson valley. i'm really excited even though it was not, at all, ever, something i wanted to do. it was the life plan you write down only because it won't hurt to send your common app online application to another school. it was like that.

the would feels fabulously open. in the still rainy month of may. i wander without an umbrella--ending up at the burger king with the girl who makes youtube videos, watching her eat two veggie burgers and a small order of fries and brag about not getting fat.

that's my life now. that and trying to write a lot.