multivarible

we will learn it all over again, how all the pieces fit together, how it is not y=x, how it is a million times more complicated then that. how there is still a shape, how the equation still makes a shape, how the math all breaks down. how we are the limit or a sum of infinite parts.

this is not the place where i live

to return home each year, to find a place the same, to find things different. everyone getting closer to dying, or watching a flower grow, one picture a day. all in slow motion, all moving too fast. to be in a beautiful house, to be with beautiful friends. to be sleepy. to be done. to be ready. to be tired of talking. to be thrilled with light. to want to go, to want to stay. to return home each year to find that it is less your home. to return home each year to find it the same, to find you're different.

a new way of trying

trying something new, or a new way of trying. let's try to be happy. let's make that the goal rather than something else. let's not try to prove anything, even to keep promises. let's try to be a good friend, since being a good friend makes us happy. let's try to up date our blog with astounding regularity and let's try to get internet famous using raw emotional blog posts as our fuel. let's try to jump off the high dive without holding our breath, let's try to scream with joy and have it be the right type of behavior in the moment. let's try to stay alive knowing that the possibility of death or destruction only makes us more alive. let's not shy away from holding hands or saying what we think. let's not worry so much, let's sneak in and out, and jump high and fall down sometimes. let's write on our hands all the time because we are writers and writing is an action and not some far off thing we do in the clouds, and sometimes we don't have paper. we would be sad if we lost our hands, unable to grope in the dark we would be reduced to something else, groping with our feet, a new way of trying.

Fireflies

Riding home there are bugs all around all the lights. I miss the place where bugs don't need lights to glow. I miss the place where bugs just glow. I wonder why bugs cluster to the light. I wonder why they don't cluster to the sun. A million bugs flying to one point. At what point would the air get too thin? When would they die and fall back down? What would happen then, all the bugs falling down? A storm of bug bodies. I miss bugs that glow all alone. The bugs that glow all together.

I listened to this Ted Talk once, about fireflies that can glow all together. One giant mating call on the bank of a river. How in unison they glow, how it is magic or science or math. And maybe it's all the same, but I miss the place where the bugs glow without light.

we laugh like crazy for no reason at all. feel bloated from eating too much. check our phones to see if you've texted back. watch mean girls and i am thinking only of all the ways that it is a poorly constructed story. it is not a day, but that is all that i did today, until they pulled up because her grandmother has fallen. a hug in the dark, it is always dark at night. it is never dark, there are streetlights everywhere. 

it felt deep in detroit

i will walk in the airport convinced that from here on it is simply falling action, falling to my death, until there is the realization that perhaps life is a novel and not a short story. and this was a chapter. it felt deep in detroit on the moving walkway.