plus i have a boyfriend, and i have friends, and i have home work, and i have being the president of gay straight alliance, and the being the "you said something non-pc" police, all while still trying to be nice and get some tinny amount of sleep and write in my note book and feel like my own person who is worthy of being alive because i love myself. and i need you here. or something.
i make up songs on my bike and do creative writing exercises in physics class. the last time i did laundry? washed my hair? good god. the last time i told myself i was going to have down time and did homework instead? like twenty minutes ago. i do, i guess, have a choice. i could leave and walk out and move into the forest. i could stream FUCK GETTING INTO A GOOD COLLEGE! really loud, but the thing is, that would be the hardest thing. the least socially okay thing to do. there are all these things i can't say because they aren't socially okay, and so i really want to say them. and then, because...
whatever.
last night i had this whole break through thing that WE ARE ALL TOTALLY FUCKED. that me worrying about my gpa is such bullshit, because there are storms every week, and the storms are destroying things and we are all so totally fucked. nobody seems to think that it is so totally hopeless. they talk about the storms, and they talk about the conference in Copenhagen, but the things don't fit together. no one seems to think that we are all going to die. that doing anything except preparing to raise beet greens, and make housing out of stuff we find in the land fill. when the magnitude of it hits, it hits, and it feels so totally empty, that i have to push it out and worry about my economics home work.
i hope it's not too late. it's never really too late. people will always keep fucking and more babies will keep showing up, and then even if there are decades and decades where things are shitty and hopeless then maybe someday we'll (humanity) will come out of it. or maybe we won't, maybe we'll all be dead, and the dominate life form will be a certain type of mold, or something. which is cool too. in the big huge unbelievably large scheme of things.
but at the same time it is impossible to think about life like that. i have to think about tomorrow and the next day, and then maybe the next year. because that is what i have control over. i have no control over the ball of rock we live on. if i am really lucky i will be able change the way one species interacts with one part, of something on the surface of the ball of rock. i will be able to make some people treat each other a little bit nicer, or have some shift in the way people think about an issue. that is if i am amazingly lucky. or burdened.
i feel like it is a burden. feeling smart and able and inspired. being able to put the pieces together feels like a duty. to make shit a little better. to make this all a little better.
and so i memorize my literary terms because i think that maybe, not even because i care, but because i think that proving to someone that i am able to, will make them think that i am smart, and them thinking i am smart will put me into a place where i have more power, and having more power will only allow me to do more good things and be better angled to save the world. i know how words sound good together. i don't give a shit what the fancy word for that is. i don't give a shit about fancy words.
(i do, however, like fancy cheese)
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