today

today, my life felt like an episode of skins, and i almost wanted to crawl out of my own skin, to not have a life but not in the sense of being dead. i wanted to slip under your skin to be with you, in the sense of showing you love, in the sense of loving you, so that maybe we'll both feel a little bit less alone.

but let me quantify, today is not singular, today is all the days when suddenly the problems seem over blow and dramatic and unsolvable and complicated. like a book we'd read in lit, only it's real and it's me and it's you.

but let me quantify, the you, is plural, kathryn would say vous.

and vous it is. i love vous. mme colleran would always say that vous was like y'all, so i love, y'all, literally, you-all. i want to take care of you.

i cooked for you today. being a mom, in the kitchen, asking you a million questions, trying to understand. trying to understand and to be with you. trying to slip out of myself and into your skin. to try to love you from the inside out, to try to convince you to love yourself. to try to be with you for a moment so that we might both feel less alone.

at youth group this morning i was jumping onto couches, demanding pass words for entry, and laughing through my nose. and then i came home and left again, this time with all that energy spilling into instead of out of me.

my bed is full of books of poetry, but i am not a happy poet. i will never even make it as a poet, as a person. i feel fated to fail.

february has not been kind to me, to any of us.

when will it be warm again?