there's that poem, the one i wrote inside of ana's birthday present... it's like, "there will be no more inception than there is now..." blah blah blah...
and what am i trying to say except for that things can only get better, things can only get worse.
i'm so tired, have forgotten to eat for days. i want to curl up under a blanket with myself and have that be enough and not be lonely.

the kids are alright

ana and i watched this movie today and it was painful in its perfectly rendered awkwardness, in its display of what adult life holds, the difficultly of love. we both got a little bit teary. what is it to love someone when all you want is to not feel so alone? what is it to care for someone when all you want is laughter? what is it to trust someone when all you have is faith? what is it to go forward when all you have is the past? what is it to believe in god when all you have is earthly? how can we make our way forward?

instead of messaging you

senior year. full ib. applying to ten colleges. multivaribale calculus/linear algebra at ub. snowy cold weather. learning to be a person. it's a hell of a lot to do. that's how i do.

look,
i've actually applied to college, sent a line with shinny promises of the past into my future. the line is out there, slack still, but just fresh, just new, and the sky is huge and there are only hopes of a day fishing. there isn't any dealing with the fish, little preference to what fish is caught, to what will be done, and idea of the fish is still an abstraction, hidden under the murky water of lake erie or the pudget sound.
look,
there i am, being the fisher man, looking at the sky, no nerves, not yet, about what i'll catch or what it will taste like or if i'll catch anything at all...
but look,
here i am will weary eyes and more lines to cast into what may or may not become my future in this more or less certain world with all these things that i don't know, with all these things that i might not want to know, and all these emotional blog postings